the fuck up continued

Posted: February 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

So my life is again on a overhaul

Please help me god if u exist !ย 
Worth a try ! Amen , fuck it , I ll just keep taking alcohol shots, ย doesn’t help me forget but makes me feel better at least .. Till I don’t puke that is ๐Ÿ˜›ย 
So I m applying to colleges where I don’t know if I have a shot at ..
Coaches want to recruit me but I am too insolent and fucking lazy.ย 
Wow ! U know how big an ass hole I am ? I actually had a chance at MIT and I blew it ๐Ÿ˜ I leave everything upto the last fucking moment! Therefore it makes my life hell .. I know I ll blow up probably everything and ll manage to fuck shit up ! Well my life is in a trance , should have taken screwing up to be a profession .. Would have been the CEO at all levels ๐Ÿ˜ย 
Well I want to end it all , I like to live on the edge that’s why so that even if I do die it ll be an accident .. Ha at least I won’t die the cowards way , anyways so I have been writing poems and there’s this girl who tells me to publish it and that I could be famous ๐Ÿ˜€ I m like haha , since she’s a college student I m like yeah I ll think over it .. I told her to ask her poetry reading friends :’D to review it ๐Ÿ˜›
Well yeah .. Shit happens ..ย 
So now the love of my life leaves me ..obviously I broke .. But i ll not change who I am , always smile when in pain and laugh when u wanna cry .. Rule of life . As life goes on, I learn that friends will always be there . Some ppl really deserve that standing ovation . I wouldn’t want to be my own friend but they still love me . And I love them too . I m not writing all this to gain sympathy . If I was I would be posting it on FB ๐Ÿ˜›
But no I write this as a past, a dark one so that I don’t give up .ย 
I can always look back where I started ๐Ÿ™‚ life may look like its absolutely not worth living. But that’s not what stops me having the extra shot at a party to have a good time.ย 
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So I tried all . Now am willing to give life a second chance . A girl just asked me out but I said later maybe. Coz I don’t even know myself yet . A part of my life is now over. And what a time for the love to leave ๐Ÿ™‚ I m glad she broke up . I always thought I would screw up somehow .. But I didn’t and that’s what really hit me more. Anyways that’s a week back news . Picked myself up and am ready to fuck up new things ๐Ÿ˜€ย 
So I walk through memory lane I see pain everywhere sprinkled with the tiny bits of joy. But yes I moved on.ย 
So in a month we have our grade 12 finals and then to hell with school life.ย 
The criticism of teachers and whatever . Probably rape a teacher or two after board examinations .ย 
Now I prepare myself . To take on an even cruel world. Don’t judge me bitches . I can rock or fuck your world at my will . My life from the outside looks so appealing. People telling me wish I was like u dude. And I m thinking that’s even worse than a death wish. So now what? I study. Fucked the SATs not gonna let god fuck me at all fronts . Although faced that too already. Getting up is the easy part. It’s my mind which is tougher to fight.ย 
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With this I end this dreadful plight.
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After 2 months I ll start a new chapter of life. On a new book. A new face. A new beginning. I hope I get in the college in US . The coach hasn’t given up on me yet. So I guess I still have a shot. I ll take control of my life . Show the world what I m Made of. The name Rahul is not even my real name. I hide behind a false image of myself . But I ll resurface.
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Even if u are dropped to the gates of hell, you learn to make your way up. Even challenge the gods. But still get your way. If I can’t find heaven I ll make hell a better place for myself.ย 
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Carpe diem.ย 

Ok . . So this is an insight to reality of my life . I am a person with potential to do so much as said by my coaches ,but I am the biggest fool in the world ,never realising it and now am kicking myself ,thinking of the blunder I made .
I was one who always attracted towards the wrong things,wasted my time ,and now I see myself having no bright future . .
I don’t know what was wrong with me , I was blinded by the present and hoping a good future .
Now I realise such a prick I have been , who gets lucky but still can’t do shit .
Its like every time I keep hitting a new rock bottom . .
Its time like this a person tries to commit suicide
but na already been down that road before ! Not a coward , I can face life as it comes . . I am a screw up , and there’s no one to blame on except myself . .
I took the wrong decisions . But I hope to do something out of this gift called life
so I have pretty much done everything , from standing on the terrace thinking whether I could fly or not to even falling in love with an amazing girl !
But all my life , I have had it all and then let it go .
The problem with me is I know I can achieve a lot ! But am a fucking lazy bum,who has loads of potential but decides to Fuck that shit ! Never worked for my goals just hoping it ll go well and now regret it
so what now ? That’s a good question ,right now I m in a car writing this blog . .
So yeah I am in class 12 studying in a shit ass school in kolkata , and yes unfortunately I am branded as an Indian . . .
Although proud to be one . So right now I am in Delhi to give my SATs , a bundle of pieces of paper which DO decide your future !
But before that I was in Indore . . Finished 8 th in a tournament! Which is shit btw ,could have come 7 th at least but as u already know my life is all abt screwing up
so I have also flunked a year in 11 ! Yeah I know right ? What a loser ! Got home drunk ! Got screwed by parents countless times !

India a country where a child learns to drive at the age of 13 but an 18 year old is forbidden to drink…
but I believe my life isn’t that bad on all fronts . Fortunately I was gifted with an amazing family and awesome friends ! No matter how bad I screwed up,friends and family have given me courage to stand up every time I fall.

No matter Wt ! They stood by my side !
And tbh if I hadn’t flunked I wouldn’t have found the girl whom I now love … so u know ..don’t lose hope ! (ikr ? Coming from a loser )
but so what if I did make mistakes . . I m still here thinking I can make things work .. For now I am and ll try to make things right and hope
I realised life is a struggle , not everyone can get what they want . But we must move on , strive towards success .
But there isnt a shortcut to it. Even if u do find it,it is momentary and again u look for ways to achieve something greater.

i am going to face the facts , india is a screwed up country,fucked up traditions,i cant change that .but what i can change is myself .its time to grow some balls and get a little serious about life .

Hope you too follow your dreams …

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